


I Failed You Then - But I Am Here Now

by The_Meridian_Complex



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, Force Visions, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt/Comfort, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), No Sex, Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, Prophetic Visions, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:48:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22932052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Meridian_Complex/pseuds/The_Meridian_Complex
Summary: Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi is tormented by force visions of what will one day come to pass.Despite Qui-Gon Jinn's attempts to help and comfort his padawan, Obi-Wan's pain becomes too great and he must learn to cope with it through many means, some good, some bad. At least he has someone by his side.TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF-HARM
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 120





	I Failed You Then - But I Am Here Now

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> I am really serious guys. This does depict self-harm fairly graphically and if you know that this will trigger you PLEASE don't read it!
> 
> I feel a little guilty about this work. As someone who is recovered from SI, this is my way to work through what happened and to play it out in a scenario that is filled with caring and comfort, unlike the one I was provided.  
> At the same time, I wonder if this is doing more harm to others than good for me. I hope not, I hope it's simply an accurate depiction of the reasoning behind [my] SI. 
> 
> This is also my first Star Wars FF. I am relatively new to the fandom (mostly a Trekkie) but I am very inspired by the master-padawan relationship, especially between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan.
> 
> Anyway, read with caution and let me know what you think!

Entering the small, shared living space, Qui-Gon immediately sensed something was wrong. The subtle disturbance in the force would have been easily overlooked by one out of touch with his padawan, but it was unmistakable to Qui-Gon.

Confused by the apprehension filling him, Qui-Gon called out to his apprentice,

“Padawan?”

No answer.

“Obi-Wan, are you there?”

Still no answer, but his force signature, as different as it currently was, was very clear.

Qui-Gon, growing increasingly worried, peeked into his padawan’s closet-sized sleeping quarters to find Obi-Wan curled in his bed, fast asleep. Both hair and clothes were in disarray and his face looked red from crying. The boy looked exhausted.

At 1600 hours on a lesson day this was most unusual for Obi-Wan. He was top of his class and studious to a fault; in Qui-Gon’s memory he had only missed lessons when extremely ill and forced.

Kneeling down beside the kid, Qui-Gon gently placed his hand on his padawan’s forehead, gauging his temperature. He was cool but the touch and the presence of his master woke Obi-Wan with a jerk.

“Relax my padawan, it's ok, it's only me.”

This didn’t comfort Obi-Wan much as he guiltily struggled upright to face his master.

“I am very sorry, master- I…” 

He looked sorry.

“Are you feeling ill Obi-Wan?” Qui-Gon searched the boy’s face, trying to find the cause of such abnormal behavior.

“No Master… I just couldn’t do it…” He hung his head, looking increasingly distressed.

Waves of guilt and defeat emanated off the padawan, momentarily surprising Qui-Gon.

“Tell me what is going on.  _ Now _ Padawan.”

Reluctantly at first, then in a rush of words, Obi-Wan tried to explain,

“I can barely sleep anymore, I’m having these visions all day and night. I’m scared I’m going to black out in class, I’m scared I’m losing control. A Jedi doesn’t lose control…”

Obi-Wan wrung his hands, longingly wishing to collapse back into his bed and hide from the world.

Frowning, Qui-Gon internally kicked himself, how had he missed such an obvious thing? Sure, the season’s lessons forced Obi-Wan to spend most of his time at the temple instead of with his master, but Qui-Gon should know better than to let his student’s health get away from him, even during times of seperation.

“Obi-Wan… why didn’t you tell me sooner? Or go to Master Yoda? Or anyone…” He rubbed gentle circles on his charges back, pressing for answers while still providing comfort.

“I was confused… embarrassed that they were happening so often. I didn’t want them to get in the way of my training but now they have…” 

He really didn’t mean to cry, but the tears were coming regardless.

Qui-Gon remained quiet, attempting to supplement his student’s shaky force with his own, steady one.

“Come, my padawan, let us go and get you some tea and then you will join me in my meditation. I am sure we have much to reflect on.”

Knowing better than to outright refuse his master, Obi-Wan still voiced his fatigue and reluctance,

“Master… I really don’t want to think about the visions, I don’t want anyone to see them. I just want to go back to sleep. Please, Master?”

“I am sorry Obi-Wan,” 

he was sorry, the look on his Padawan’s face was heartbreaking,

“it is still important that we work through this, yes, now.”

“You will never find peace without answers, and you will never find answers without reflection.”

“You’re starting to sound like Master Yoda.” 

The smile from Obi-Wan was small but it gave Qui-Gon some hope that his student would be alright.

“Come padawan, sit with me and we can begin. Clear your mind, try to find my force, focus on that and breathe.”

As Obi-Wan searched for his master through the turbulence of his own mind, he tried to calm himself and not worry about what the future held. He took a long deep breath once he finally caught hold of his master’s strong, calm presence; Qui-Gon was a still reservoir, even in the most chaotic times. 

Qui-Gon searched for his padawan as well, finding it difficult to break through the hard shell of pain that was beginning to surround Obi-Wan. He furrowed his brow, concentrating his force to hold and guide the child, to comfort him. 

Try as he might, the snippets of Obi-Wan’s visions he could access were only flashes, only terrible feelings, terrible screams, surrounded by fire and smoke. They were frightening, even to the master, he could not imagine what they were doing to his padawan.

After a time of guiding Obi-Wan in breath and reflection, Qui-Gon was confident that his student was now calm enough to rest and heal for the night. It was obvious that the padawan could not take much more as he collapsed onto the low couch as soon as his master dismissed him. This time there were no tears, simply a deep, dark exhaustion slipping over him.

* * *

The meditation sessions with Qui-Gon had provided the padawan with some comfort over the next weeks though the visions were still coming at a rate far beyond their expectations. Qui-Gon was finding it more and more difficult to connect with his padawan and to provide him with the guidance he needed through meditation alone.

As time went on, the teenager became more withdrawn; he would skip lessons, sleep all day, and spend the nights pacing the shared spaces of their quarters. His concentration was shot and the inexplicable, choking despair was giving him tunnel vision.

Obi-wan tried his best to meditate with his master. To show his resilience and discipline, but something was obviously off: he had become only a shadow of himself, causing concern amongst more than just his master.

  
  


“Not himself, he is?” 

Qui-Gon paced back and forth in Master Yoda’s chambers.

“No, I cannot seem to latch on to the cause of these visions, or grasp the damage they are doing to him. Every day it is worse.” His fear and desperation were palpable in Yoda’s serene presence.

“Your fault, Qui-Gon, it is not.”

“Strong the force is with this boy. Pain, it is causing him.”

“I know Master, but how can I help him? I need to help him!”

“Your job, it is to provide comfort and guidance to your padawan. Suffering he is and perhaps more attention he needs.” The ancient master folded his hands and looked off at the sky,

“Help, we can, but it is you who must be there with him to keep him safe.” Now looking directly at the younger master Yoda said,

“His Master, you are, his force, you know. Search within yourself and find your strength, you will.”

Nodding slowly, Qui-Gon searched his feelings for the best way to help his padawan. This was like nothing he had encountered in his previous students. Not only was the boy struggling with his grasp of the force and clarity in his visions, it seemed as though their contents were damaging his psyche, dragging him down into a dark hole of fear and sadness. He knew that as the boy’s master, it was his job to go down into this hole and bring his padawan back up with him. But the meditation, the conversations, they hadn’t been enough.

“But Master… I have already tried to guide him, to work through this pain, it doesn’t seem to be enough, I feel as though I am losing him.”

“More work you must do. Perhaps he will need some time away from the temple, perhaps need us all, he will. Hold on to him, Qui-Gon, you must.”

Qui-Gon felt little clarity, but tried to clear his mind and calm himself before he embarked back to his padawan. 

  
  


* * *

_ Fire surrounded Obi-Wan, stealing the oxygen from his lungs. The smell of smoke was only overpowered by that of burning flesh. Someone was screaming. A voice, that had now become familiar, was screaming at him. Its hate was palpable, choking him almost as much as the smoke. It really, truly hated him. And Obi-Wan? This figure sparked something akin to hate in him as well. Well, not quite hate. It felt more like betrayal and a sadness that was deep, and black, and terrifying. He could feel himself being consumed by it, dragged down by the gravity of the emotions and the horror surrounding him. He felt like he couldn’t stand it for another minute. _

Gasping and shaking, the boy woke up with a start.

_ How could this come to pass?  _ Obi-Wan was sure he could never survive that pain in real life.

Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he continued to choke and sob, unable to regain his breath. The panic attack was in full force now, reflecting the horrible hate and darkness that he had seen in his vision. The pain welling up inside him was too much. He couldn’t take anymore, his mind could not handle such a pain it could not see.

What a failure of a Jedi he would be if he could not even control his feelings.

Casting desperately around to find some outlet for the excurtiation filling his mind, his eyes caught on a small, laser knife, discarded next to his school bag. Squeezing his eyes closed for a moment, he grasped for it. With shaky, but deliberate, hands he guided the lazer across his arm, leaving many shallow, but painful, burns in its wake. The pain, now outside, became more focused and controllable. Obi-Wan was finally able to calm himself enough to survey what he had done. Struck suddenly by how many burns he had inflicted on himself, and the now prominent smell of burnt flesh, so similar to his vision, Obi-Wan was overcome by nausea and dashed to the bathroom to expel what little food he had consumed that day. 

The floor by the toilet was cool and calm as Obi-Wan’s world was turned outwards. He had thought the burns would help him regain his control, transfer his pain into something that could be fought and conquered, but this was not the case. The peace had been momentary and pain was addictive. 

While still sick from shame, Obi-Wan carelessly scratched at his wounds, not really noticing their profuse bleeding as his mind spiraled. The blood was running down his arm now, pooling in his opened hand. Finally noticing its wet, warmth, Obi-Wan looked down in horror. Darkness was beginning to cloud his vision as he hyperventilated, growing increasingly dizzy. His last thought was how Qui-Qon was going to kill him. The darkness enveloped him before he felt his head hit the cool, hard floor.

* * *

  
  


This time, as soon as he entered their quarters, Qui-Gon’s heart dropped and panic washed over him. Something was wrong with his poor padawan. Was he injured? He was certainly in pain.

Very nearly running, Qui-Gon made his way to the bedroom, then bathroom, shouting for his padawan the whole way.

“Obi-Wan-” He stopped in his tracks as he reached the bathroom, finding the small, fragile shape of his young student unconscious on the ground, surrounded by blood.

“Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan! Talk to me Padawan!” He commanded.

Obi-Wan moved slightly only to retch and cry.

“Look at me! Now!” Qui-Gon cradled his padawan’s head gently in his arms, channeling his force with as much strength as he could while keeping his cool.

With the kid’s head on his lap, he tore a strip off his robe and began wrapping it tightly around Obi-Wan’s still bleeding arm.

Gently lifting the boy, Qui-Gon ran desperately to the healer’s wing, only slowing his pace a bit to stabilize the boy’s obviously injured head. Obi-Wan only groaned slightly at the movements. Barely registering where he was or what was happening to him.

Once he reached the healer’s, Qui-Gon became truly overwhelmed. They took his padawan unceremoniously from him, laying him out on a bed, out of Qui-Gon’s reach. He restrained himself from rushing to Obi-Wan’s side, instead settling to hover in the periphery.

“We are going to put him in a healing trance for a few hours, give his body and mind a chance to recover. Once we wake him up again, you should be able to work through the rest of his wounds with him. If you ask me, the mental ones will be much worse than these, but right now your padawan badly needs rest.”

Qui-Gon nodded and the healers quickly finished cleaning and wrapping the poor boy’s wounds. Suspended in the healing trance his padawan looked so young and small. Qui-Gon felt like yelling, filled with rage at himself. He went to the boy’s side as soon as the healers would let him. Qui-Gon gently stroked Obi-Wan’s hair and whispered over and over,

“I’m sorry, my padawan, I am so so sorry.”

The hours of Obi-Wan’s trance were torture for the master. Only when he was interrupted by masters Yoda and Windu, was Qui-Gon able to drag himself out of his pit of self-hate.

“Masters-” Qui-Gon rose and bowed his head towards his superiors. He should not let his fear and shame be so obvious, what kind of damage would it do to his poor padawan.

“Sit Qui-Gon, we will stay here with you. We have much to discuss.” Master Windu looked neither angry, nor disappointed, but the grave look on both master’s faces only confirmed the weight of the situation.

“Sick, the boy is. Too young to deal with the strength of these visions, he is.” Yoda looked gravely at the injured padawan.

“Do not blame yourself, Qui-Gon, this was far outside of what we expected, but it absolutely cannot happen again. It is beyond the scope of one man to fix this.”

“Much help, the boy needs.” Yoda nodded wisely,

“The force is strong with him. Hard to control, it will be.”

“He keeps having these visions… Like we talked about earlier. I think it's likely been going on for longer than I thought, they seem to be causing him a lot of pain.”

“See it too, we do.”

“We believe it would be best to withdraw your padawan from lessons this season, it will allow him to be under your supervision more regularly. We are also recommending regular sessions with myself and Master Yoda, in order to help young Obi-Wan learn to control his pain, and you, to learn to aid him. We will be in touch.”

  
  


At Qui-Gon’s nod of agreement, both masters stood, bowing to him and quietly exiting the room.  
  


* * *

Qui-Gon buried his head in the bed beside his padawan, gingerly holding the boy’s hand and trying to find peace within himself in the great, swirling turbulence of grief that he was sharing with Obi-Wan.

He collected himself when the healers returned to wake Obi-Wan; stroking his auburn hair as the healing trance was lifted and Obi-Wan began to return to them.

Slowly at first, Obi-Wan woke, finally coming back to full consciousness with a start and a yelp.

“Shhh my padawan, I’ve got you.”

All Obi-Wan could see was the concerned face of his master above him, all he could feel was Qui-Gon’s large, gentle hands cradling his head. 

The touch and comfort of his master brought Obi-Wan back to earth, which quickly shattered the calm.

“Oh Master! I am so so sorry!” Tears were springing to his eyes.

“No Obi-Wan… I am sorry, I failed to see the seriousness of the situation. Your visions are stronger than most, I should have been there to mitigate the pain of them.” Qui-Gon shook his head sadly,

“I do not know what they mean Padawan, but I know not every vision must come to pass.”

“I could not handle it if it does! I can’t handle it now!”

“You will not have to face them alone Obi-Wan. I am here now. In fact, we all are here to help you.”

Obi-Wan looked puzzled.

“I am withdrawing you from your lessons. This is not the time for them, you will be working on a different kind of learning. Master Yoda and Master Windu have agreed to help with this learning. You must gain control of this pain, lest it obscure your sight and consume you completely.”

Obi-Wan was obviously distraught at the news of his training being interrupted,

“I’ll never be a jedi now! I’ve failed…”

“No Obi-Wan, your lessons may be halted, but your training has not. Sometimes we must look inside ourselves to learn. If you cannot learn to handle this fear and pain now, how will you ever survive what may come to pass?”

The padawan took a shaky breath. Knowing he had no choice in the direction his mind, and his studies, were leading him, he knew it would be best to surrender to this with what dignity he had left.

“It's just so hard, Master. I can’t bear it.”

“Then you will learn.”

Holding Obi-Wan’s hand tightly, Qui-Gon stared lovingly at his student, bracing for the trials they would face and the pain it could cost, but acknowledging the pricelessness of resilience that Obi-Wan would gain.

Obi-Wan was getting sleepy again, relaxed by his master’s presence and a slight dulling of the pain. Before he drifted off, he looked up at Qui-Gon, with big, scared, but resolute eyes, saying,

“I must not let those visions come to pass.”

The boy fell asleep but Qui-Gon never left his side.


End file.
